Monday, September 19, 2011

Special Spirits!

I can't let this story not go without writing it down to remember for a long time. My kids were outside playing and I was in my room reading. My window was open so I could hear them. Something happened and I heard DD#1 yell, "Don't you tell on me!" Well....this is a common quote said between my kids. I guess if they say that, then the other won't come and tell. DS#1 then yells, "DD#2 don't you tell!" At this point I thought I should get up and see what was going on. As I watched quietly out my window, I saw something that made my heart so very happy. It made me feel so great to be a mom to such special spirits. DD#2 who was on her way to tell, stopped and asked DD#1 to come and give her a hug. DD#1 came up and DD#2 grabbed her and hugged and hugged her. DD#1 then reluctanctly wrapped her arms around her sister. They were talking to one another (I wish I would have heard what they were saying). Then DD#2 grabbed DD#1's face and brushed the hair out of her eyes and said something to her. (Again, I wish I could have heard it). Then they grabbed each others hand and yelled, "All for One, One for All" and threw their hands up in the air!
DH had found his way to watch as well. It was amazing and made a mom's heart proud. They really love one another. Is there anything more wonderful?

Friday, September 16, 2011

A Dream....

Ten years ago, I had just started my first year of teaching, my dad had passed away recently (July) and DH and I had been trying to start a family for 2 years with no sucess. It was a very hard time for my family. My mom often asked questions wondering if my dad did this or did that in heaven. For some reason, when she would ask I would always have a dream about my dad and he would always answer the question for me. I haven't had a dream like that in a very long time.

Ten years ago this month, I had a dream one night. We were all sitting in my mom's room in our Delta home. We used to gather on my parent's bed while my mom read. (Funny, my kids have been doing that to me recently.) My dad usually ended coming in later and asking what everyone was doing. It is a favorite childhood memory. Even though my mom hated us interruppting her quiet reading time, it was a great family time.

Back to my dream....we were all sitting on my mom's bed and the phone rang. My brother Scott answered it and got a shocked look on his face. He said, "Dad is on the phone!" We couldn't believe it. We all knew that he was in heaven and couldn't be on the phone. He again said, "No, really, dad is on the phone". We were all so shocked. My brother Dan walked in and we said, "Dad is on the phone!" He said, "No he is not!" We again said, "Yes, he is on the phone!" He again said, "No, he is not on the phone, he is here." At that time, my dad then appeared to us. We were all VERY shocked. My dad explained that he felt that it would be not as shocking if he called first before he appeared. We were elated! We asked why he was here and he said he had come to talk to each one of his children. I was then on my way down the hall and he sat me down on the couch (it even had the flowers on it) and asked what I needed to know from him. I looked at him and asked when I was going to have children. He said, "April!" and then I woke up.

I remember waking up and thinking, "Wow! Was that real, or did I just make it up?" Whatever it was, it comforted me enough to continue to struggle with our infertility.

Fast forward 3 months and we found out two days after Christmas that we were expecting. We were over the moon with excitement. My due date was Aug. 31st. I was a little confused and once again questioned my dream. Three weeks later I miscarried. DH and I cried for about 10 mins and then rejoiced that we actually did get pregnant. I had heard that a lot of women miscarry their first and then your body gets ready for another baby. I held on to "April" all the while. Well.....April came and I wasn't pregnant. I thought maybe I was going to get pregnant in April. July came, which would make me due in April, and still no pregnancy. We hit the year mark and I really started to mourn my miscarriage. Maybe that was the only time I would get pregnant. The two year mark went by and I was devastated that I hadn't got pregnant again.

We started the process of adoption and began going to the classes. We met some great friends and really felt like this was the right direction. I had surgery in March of 2003 and when I woke up, DH was smiling from ear to ear. He told me that the doctor had found nothing and there wasn't anything wrong with any of us. Boy, this pretty much put me into a deeper depression. Nothing wrong with either of us??? Then why can't I get pregnant. The doctor came in and said that he thought I would be pregnant in the next 4 months. I was so angry! I had just finally accepted adoption and had stopped crying every month.

Fast forward 6 months and I felt the real need to get our adoption papers in and completed. Every time before this I would get them down off of the fridge and it just didn't feel right. I sat down one Sunday after church and finished them in record time. Tears streaming down my face, I talked about my dad who I loved and missed so much. I was very anxious for DH to get his part done. I knew that there was a little girl waiting for us and she was coming quickly and we needed to get our paperwork in and get ready. A few days later DH came up to me and said, "You are going to have a baby!" I looked at him funny and said, "No, remember we feel strongly that their is a baby girl coming to us!" He then said again, "No, you are going to have a baby!" I was 4 days late at this point, but was not going to get his hopes up. Watching him cry, because of infertility. was much harder to deal with then my own crying. Three days later (so 7 days late) I told him that I was a week late and that we should probably go and get a pregnancy test. We drove to the store and I was so angry. I knew I was going to start 30 mins after the negative like I ALWAYS did! We got home and I took the test and walked away. Remember, I was angry and was sick of seeing negatives. Twenty minutes later we both walked in together and got the shock of our lives. It was positive! We couldn't believe it. We immediately went to my in laws and got a blessing. My due date was August 10th. It still didn't fit the "April" dream. Our first daughter was born on July 31st. We talked about whether or not we should prevent from getting pregnant just in case it didn't happen again. We didn't and to our great surprise found out 15 months later that we were expecting our 2nd child. I was due June 26th and had our second daughter on June 17th. Fifteen months later (do you see a pattern?) we found out that we were expecting our 3rd child. His due date was May 13th and our first son was born on May 6th.

So you can see that we were getting closer to April, but just never quite got there. DH and I had talked and had always wanted 4 children. So I assumed that 15 months after our son, I would find myself pregnant one last time. Nope, it didn't happen. Fast forward a year and I find out that I am pregnant. We are thrilled. Just a few short days later, it was no more. We were sad, but still hopeful. The very next cycle, I found myself with a positive pregnancy test in my hand. We were so hopeful, only to lose that pregnancy as well. I couldn't figure it out. Why were we having such a hard time again? So we continued to try and try. It wasn't working. I was done with it and felt like the 3 beautiful children that I did have were plenty for us. We were at a great stage of no diapers, buckling themselves in the car and being more self sufficient. They were having a great time together and we felt it was right and that we could be done. We begin telling people that we had made that decision. I felt peaceful about it.

I attended a girl's night with my husband's side of the family and one of my sister in laws had just had a baby. When I walked into that room and saw her, I had to keep myself from crying. I had the most overwhelming feeling that there was still one more for us. It made me mad, because here I was finally feeling at peace with this decision (sound familiar?)

I went home and DH immediately knew that something was wrong. He asked me what was wrong and I just told him he didn't want to hear about it. He was tired of talking about whether to continue or be done. He wanted to be done. So he continued to ask and I finally said, "We've talked about it enough!" I told him what had happened and he said, "Do you just want me to make a decision?" I was so happy, because I was bouncing back and forth with my emotions. I knew he was going to say that we were done, but no! He said, "Let's have another baby!" I was shocked!

So on to our journey again. We found ouselves once again having a hard time getting that last little spirit here.

In June, I went back to the doctor and he wanted to re- test us again. It had been 8 years from the last time and wanted to see if something was wrong now. So we went through it again. DH's tests came back perfect. My tests came back as good as well. I went in for an HSG (dye through my tubes) mid July. The nurse called and said, "Everything looks great for the both of you, why don't you try and get pregnant this cycle?" I wanted to say, "Why don't you come over here and let me punch you?" I was so angry. Once again, nothing was wrong with us! We decided we would put in Heavenly Father's hands (like we had to learn, oh so many times) and contiue on.


Renaming the post: A DREAM COMES TRUE!!

Do you see that arrival time on the bottom? APRIL!! Our little caboose is our little April baby that I was told would come ten years ago. We are ecstatic and so happy!

So, on what would have been my dad's 62nd birthday today....I saw our little bean growing with a healthy heartbeat. We are so very excited and the kids are just as excited as we are.

Happy Birthday Dad! I love and miss you more than anything. Thank you for advocating for me to send these special spirits down. We think about you often and know that you would have been one EXCELLENT grandpa. I love you!

Phew...that was one very long post. I had to get it down somewhere so I wouldn't forget this wonderful time.